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- Somewhere, sometime in the future somebody will be the last person ever to sit through workplace harassment training.
- On windows 10 if you right click on the taskbar, there’s an option for “Lock the taskbar.” The Sharif don’t like it, lock the taskbar, lock the taskbar.
- You can’t make a snowblower out of software.
- The ants go marching one by one hoorah, hoorah. The ants go marching one by one hoorah, hoorah. The ants go marching one by one the little one stops to suck his thumb and they all go marching down… to the ground… to get out… of the rain… cause it’s cold… in the rain… and it sucks.
- give that man a pocket protector!
- why be inconvenienced when you can inconvenience somebody else.
- stabability
- billy bong belly button
- hazardous waste outlook
- it was the best of very bad times, it was the worst of very bad times.
- those who can, do. those who can’t don’t.
- there’s a little black spot on the sun today, black hole sun, won’t you come, won’t you come.
- the next time somebody tells you to slow down while driving, remind them they should be eating more vegetables.
- my turbo encabulator has a bad Johnson rod
- two turntablespoons and a microphone
- shark to shark transfer
- microsoft open for bathroom
- little miss muffet, sat on her tuffet, so I punched her.
- what if saliva tasted bad.
- the “I” in teamwork is silent, so shut up.
- there’s two kinds of people in the world, me and everybody else.
- Clasp of the tightens
- If you’re supposed to write a will for when you die, does that mean you should write a wont for when you live?
- Those who fail history are doomed to retake it
- I don’t like lemons. When life gives me lemons, I throw them out.
- If you were to 3D print the poop emoji, could you say that your printer shit the bed?
- Licensed to Illabratorium
- bad robot actor
- You have been defeated. You have no feet.
- what is all this snotboogery going on here?
- dispensary of the ogdolden
- What happens if you pour listerine antiseptic mouthwash into a septic tank?
- go to hell, go directly to hell, do not pass go, do not collect $200.
- tip gratuitously
- what the helicopter is going on here!?!?
- when clouds collide
- the hills are alive, with the sound of cusack
- hobbies are expense, inconvenience and fun.
- How soon is now? Why is there anything?
- When I was a kid I was told if I tried hard enough, I could do anything. So I decided to break out of prison.
- R2D2 is a hemi.
- Understandwich
- Jesus H. Chrysler building
- There is only so much fun you can have with a metronome.
- He’ll have no fury like autocorrect
- Pam is WD40 for food.
- Making democracy safe for rich people.
- The best movie of all time probably hasn’t been made yet.
- Don’t fire until you see the reds of their traffic lights.
- health food poisoning
- If the opposite of happy is sad, the opposite of unhappy must be unsad.
- Game of Phones
- 2 package shakur
- A blanket upon both of your houses!
- Those who dried have moisturized
- The linux kernel is the culmination of thousands of scratched itches
- Nature abhors a vacuum cleaner.
- seizure salad
- throwbot
- Buttstronaut
- Atardidas
- Slanguage
- Information is a consumable.
- With a 3-D printer, you could print a spool of 3-D filament.
- Crapunzel
- Daas – Despair as a service
- I have elbow power!
- Power is not given, it is taken.
- The dark is full of terrors n’ shit.
- I think we better keep moving.
- The youth in asia
- Refactor (v.): To take something that is working and change it into something that isn’t working, because you didn’t test it.
- You used up all of the science
- Chiapot
- Leverage siblings
- Pillows have both depth, and ploof
- Watermelon as a Service
- Beware the Thunderboiler
- Synchronized coughing
- The little engine that could, but chose not to for tax reasons.
- My gut tells me: ‘you’re hungry’, ‘you shouldn’t have eaten that,’ and ‘you didn’t think you’d see this again but here it is.’
- Whispering is like talking in black and white.
- Fartnite
- I can only aspire to that level of dysfunction.
- Count Sodooku
- Lactoid.
- If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success.
- Java 2 Millennium Falcon Edition.
- We put the ‘crap’ in scrapbooking.
- Def Zeppelin
- Carpe per Diem
- I’m going to make a device called a tantrum so I can throw it.
- Beware those wielding Occam’s razor.
- Never ascribe to malice that which can be explained by incompetence.
- I am Ray of house Sunshine.
- Storm Born. Iron Born. Jason Bourne.
- If I have to explain it to you, you can’t afford it.
- My demons are fighting with my dragons and it’s not going well.
- It’s Magne-tic. With the power of MAGNETICS!
- There’ll be hell’s kitchen to pay!
- Diaper man, Diaper man, does whatever a diaper can.
- Nothing turns adults into children, like a label maker.
- Otto von Biz Markie
- A carousel is just a Ferris wheel that fell over.
- I feel like a bag of shit in a dumpster fire.
- What you need to know, will SHOCK you!
- Pizza is really just an open-faced cheese sandwich.
- What does it mean when the arrival time on your GPS shows ∞
- Well I’m not the world’s most passionate guy, but I like you about as much as a stick in the eye, oh my Lola.
- If you tied everybody’s hair together, it would be strong enough to lift the space shuttle.
- Optimus double prime
- Club Fat – The more you weigh, the more you pay.
- Your opinion is invalid because I disagree with it.
- Hi kids, do you like violins? Want to see me conduct an orchestra on each of the cayman islands?
- Mary had a little lamb and now that lamb is dead.
- You know what happens when you assault somebody, you make an ass out of you and ault.
- Why do sneezes sound so different, but coughs sound mostly the same?
- This banana is shits.
- Laurie Berkner should perform with Eminem
- Ahhh…. standards. Every once in a while somebody doesn’t make a new one.
- Don’t burn down anything I wouldn’t burn down.
- Two blue binkys and an ice cream cone.
- Four score and seven years ago our forefathers did not have telephones, they did not have answering machines, and if you weren’t there, they couldn’t talk to you. Isn’t science wonderful.
- Sack blabbath
- Glow in the dark, solar powered light bulb.
- Especially the school toothpaste.
- I have my finger on the pulse of the eye.
- Haters gonna hate and birthdayers gonna birth.
- Lettuce pray.
- If you can read this, you’re literate.
- Droppin’ eaves.
- Pickles were probably the first thing ever pickled.
- Dia of the rear
- Threeberculosis minus oneberculosis equals tuberculosis.
- I’m not an engineer, I’m an over-engineer.
- I Am Vincible!
- Are you harassking or were you voluntold?
- I Dub thee… Step.
- Git merge vs rebase is the new emacs vs vi / tabs vs spaces / pick your favorite religious war.
- You are what you are about to see.
- I got my first guitar at Bed Bath and Beyond. It was in the Beyond section.
- Airports are extreme cases of supermarkets.
- If you’re happy, and you don’t know it, there will be no hand clapping.
- I’m gonna bust a knee cap in yo ass.
- If the Peter Principal says you will be promoted to your level of incompetence, what is it called when you are promoted to somebody else’s level of incompetence?
- Is the opposite of eject, reject?
- Resistor is useless!
- Old MacDonald had a farm, and he subsequently left it to his children.
- Advertising lasts a lifetime, if not now, then when?
- The future can worry about itself.
- Old McDonald had a restaurant franchise EIEIO.
- It is as if he is to go to Io.
- I just played a fifth of beethoven, dare me to drive?
- Squintin Tarantino
- Get button, push mortgage.
- Microsoft Active Bag Of Shit
- Our Lady of the Fucked Up Iguana
- e pluribus fuck ’em
- The XXL Hadron Collider
- If I could put beer in a bottle, the first thing that I’d like to do…
- Traffic Guru
- Einstein’s luxurious catapult.
- Mutually assured gridlock.
- Z Z Top and The Four Seasons
- All posts
- Why didn’t my phone remind me about your birthday? Did your birthday change?
- Apple is going to introduce the new Ins ipod.
- Why is it called the 1st floor and not the 1st ceiling?
- What the wrong with you is fuck!
- Disembarcadero
- Is it possible to shuck something other than corn?
- Triple AARP
- pepsi upside down spells isded.
- A broken Bosch is a Botsch.
- Announcing the new Ford F-151. It’s like the Ford F-150, but one better.
- It is interesting to note that “crew” backwards sounds a lot like “work”
- I’m going to beat you at silly.
- Let the technology drive you.
- The lightning of a fade.
- Interesting how we ran out of ip addresses before we ran out of phone numbers.
- I’m gonna wash that man right out of my hair, I’m gonna wash that man right out of my hair, I’m gonna wash that man right out of my hair, and then I’ll never wash it again.
- Adhesives are not an engineering solution.
- Please phrase your question in the form of a polygon.
- If you think anything on the internet is anonymous, you are wrong. If you’re in IT and you think anything on the internet is anonymous, you probably shouldn’t be in IT.
- The opposite of protractor is contractor.
- To the spoils go the victor.
- Oxygenated popcorn.
- “Do, Re, Mi, Fa, Sol, La, Ti, Do… nut.” – Homer
- Nobody ever called me a chickenshit. Not that I heard anyway, I was too busy running away.
- Scientists reveal that water isn’t as healthy and life sustaining as first thought.
- It is often the wisest things, that one says by accident.
- Transpactor
- A country’s GDP falls when a man marries his maid.
- Sean puffy cheeks.
- It is not illegal to remember things that didnt happen.
- Why isn’t there a superhero named “Fireman”?
- Land of the lost in space.
- New York Philmoronic
- When you sneeze, air leaves your mouth faster than the speed of sound.
- Never let progress get in the way of a good law.
- Toes. Head, shoulders, knees and.
- It’s not there when I don’t look.
- It’s coming to get me, but I can’t get in front of it.
- Probably you and most people you know live better than any king in the history of human culture.
- People who say java jit is faster than C turn out to be not very good C programmers.
- If the sum of the digits of a number is evenly divisible by three, then the original number is also divisible by three.
- So we can use our technology to pollute the atmosphere and warm up the entire planet. We can pump water in to the earth to trigger earthquakes, now all we have to do is figure out how to set off volcanoes.
- You don’t write out roman numerals, you spell them.
- Sacagawetnoodle.
- Johann Sebastian Batch File.
- Moonlight Sonata by George Washington.
- Home is where the house is.
- A shopping cart costs about $150.
- There is never any holding-the-door angst involved when there’s a revolving door.
- Whoa. They still print books? Is that even legal?
- There is no time like the past where something good happened.
- Yeah we suck, but we’re REALLY REALLY good at it.
- Squirrels didn’t have any natural predators until cars came along.
- Fivemica.
- Wire of the chicken.
- If I were president, I’d make disease and hyphenation illegal.
- Incandescent bulbs are brighter when they’re new.
- I’m not saying I’m a saint, but I’m more saint-like than any of you losers.
- Just because you can’t see it, doesn’t mean it can’t hurt you.
- You have no muscles in your fingers.
- Early trampolines were made of goat skin.
- Come to the dark side, it’s darker over here.
- Maybe the 8th wonder of the world, is wondering what the 8th wonder of the world is.
- The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence until you get there, then it turns brown. Must be you.
- Let me help you help me help you help yourself.
- Nobody on their deathbed ever wished they had spent more time at work.
- This is my webserver. There are many like it, but this one is mine.
- In every universe, there is one man who can change the course of history.
- Microsoft Active HLLAPI.
- Work or Work Not, there is no “It sorta works.”
- The term payroll comes from the people who roll in to get paid.
- I like to alter its position, alter its position. I like to alter its position, alter its position.
- You don’t know how much you don’t know.
- I have become, comfortably stupid.
- Schlafen sie deutsch?
- If at first you don’t succeed, you have failed.
- All must bow to The Toilet of Power.
- A company called Valet, has Valet parking.
- March 4th is the only day of the year that can be interpreted as a command.
- It’s a drum. Filled with conuns.
- Five Fresh Tornadoes.
- Never underestimate the power of underestimation.
- Reflection is like recursion. Elegant and slow. Except reflection isn’t all that elegant.
- Somewhere out there is the guy who threw the bat to Ozzy.
- Thoutsulate.
- If you were to buy a bush from Amway, it would be an Ambush.
- #Hashtag
- Let’s ride the alligator of success, to the future!
- Four score and seven years ago, our forefathers did not have telephones, they did not have answering machines and if you weren’t there, they couldn’t talk to you.Isn’t science wonderful.
- The flux cable is what makes cell phones possible.
- I’m going to use my ear to contact Thanksgiving.
- Mexico is still on the table.
- Fresh Pants of Bel Aire.
- The leaning tower of Pisa is actually in Florence.
- What the Bart Simpson is going on here.
- Self made loser.
- Passive Aggressive Resistance.
- I fought the law and the law chose to settle out of court.
- This page unintentionally left blank.
- Go make yourself useless.
- No explosions were harmed during the making of this film.
- Bowling for initiative.
- The league of extraordinarily few gentlemen.
- Crap circles.
- It’s like the Millennium Falcon: it’s so fast, it can turn distance into speed.
- Stroller Derby.
- Warning! Nathan’s Hot Dogs.
- Vulgar display of applejuice.
- Talk to the wrist because the fist is pissed.
- Certified pre-owned death star.
- The rural juror brewery.
- Thank God for evolution.
- Thor the Sequel: Thive.
- With great speed comes great innaccuracy.
- The surname “Kissinger” comes from the phrase “Kissing her.”
- If you don’t like ZFS, you’re a fascist.